Nam Nam : Dry, chapped lips begone!

Dry, chapped lips begone!

by esther, 07 March 2003

In which the author discusses her fascination with Myocastor coypus, and gives a recipe for the best, cheapest, all-natural lip balm to be had.

These days, I never let myself leave the house without a tub of Nutria Anus Balm.

(What is Nutria Anus Balm, you ask? Read all about it here. But you're not gonna get the recipe there. It's below.)

It all began one night in the temperate California valley, on a hill covered in prickers when Jason told us the story about the Nutrias. You see, one time he went camping with some of his best friends. Three of them slept in the tent, while he and Peter slept in their bags under the stars, along rushing Opal Creek. Sometime during the cold night, Jason awoke to see Peter, who was squeezed tight in his "mummy" sleeping bag, thrashing around violently, arms trapped in the bag, with a large, furry, be-whiskered rodent snuffling his face. In the morning, they woke to discover their hiking boots nibbled to pieces. It could only be the nutria.

I had never really thought about nutria before, though my college roommate, a biochem student, had pointed out to me a few paddling along the river through the Reed College Canyon. But when Jessica's disbelief of a beaver-like animal with a rat tail and its teats on its back became evident, we all became intrigued by the concept of an animal which was too simply fucking out there to be believed.

And so by the time Burning Man rolled around, we had a full on camp based on the concept of nutria hunting. when random people stopped by, we fed them turkey jerky and told them it was nutria jerky. we wore fake fur and proclaimed it to be the fur we had skinned from nutria, ourselves. when our lips became chapped after a long night of mind-bending and dancing on the dry open playa, we glopped lip balm on, sighing with relief, proclaiming, "The balm of the nutria anus is so incredibly moisturizing!"

And so I find myself searching the internet for vast quantities of tiny, finger-sized tubs, for filling in with my own homemade Nutria Anus Balm--to give away as gifts for those who do not yet know about the mystical nutria.

Nutria Anus Balm Recipe

3 parts olive oil
1 part beeswax (i buy this at my local natural foods store in the candle section, a big chunk for about $1)
essential oil. recommended: spearmint, peppermint, citrus/orange, . . . .pick your favorite flavor.
optional but recommended: vitamin E

Warm the olive oil and beeswax slowly in a small pot or double boiler until the beeswax melts.

Add the essential oil (several big drops, go with what smells good) and vitamin E.

Pour into your balm container of choice, let cool.

No Nutrias were harmed in the making of this post.

(mándalo)

dijen

Crikey! Teats on its BACK? Thats pure and unadultrated lunacy. I can't believe it. When I first read this, I thought Nutria's were something you made up in the throes of some sort of psychedelic mind orgy, but then I actually looked them up. Boy nature is filled with crazy stuff. It blows my mind. Nutrias, giant squid, pygmy marmosets, nature just has no lack of crazy stuff.

Though the anus balm sounds pretty shnixy. I'll have to give it a try.

Oh, another question, the name 'nutria anus balm' is syntactically ambiguous.. It could mean balm made from nutria anus, or it could mean nutria balm that is intended for use on your anus. Because lord knows chapped anus is a big problem in dry weather, especially if you are regularly displaying it to the hot sun and dry wind.

—sam (07 March 2003)

oh, and after reading some background info, I'd like to make another comment about your digital cameras. Sometimes, when in situations where your judgement concerning the safety of your personal electronic devices is questionable, such as while under the influence of mindbending psychotropics, a durable camera CASE can sometimes do wonders. If you train yourself diligently to always put it back in the case when you are done, then a good case can protect it.

A friend of mine had a little rubbery camera case for his ELPH camera. The camera slid inside, and then the case fastened very securly around it, to the point of being waterproof, and quite shockproof. It kept the camera high and dry through many moontribe parties around santa cruz, and numerous parties in colorado. I don't remember what brand it was, or where he got it, but it sounds like something you could use.. Maybe try an REI or a nice camera store.. A really good case isn't always cheap, but its worth every penny if you are taking your electronics into dangerous ground. :)

—sam (07 March 2003)

thanks for the enjoyable comments! the nutria anus balm is supposed to be syntactically ambiguous, as it can be applied anywhere on the body ;) also, jessica's the one who's had all the camera problems (so far. . ..knock wood) though i definitely do need to invest in a nice case one of these days. i have a big ol fashioned padded thing that was meant for a 35mm point and shoot but works just as well for my solid little canon powershot.

—esther (14 March 2003)

I just bought a Nutria coat in NYC, having no idea what the hell it was. Now I can wear it in pride, and pass along the story of the Nutria, its back-teats, the anus balm, and tell people that I had my coat made from Nutria I caught myself. Thank you for turning a boring coat, into an exciting new legacy.

—IAN (03 February 2004)